And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drunk is not a location!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
