She announced her abortion via fbk
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Send help, water and tortillas.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
