The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
