Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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