if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
