so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
