your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
