Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Pooping to opera.
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