Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
