I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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