what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
