Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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