pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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