I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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