My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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