I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
