That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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