I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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