I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
