Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
