someone get that fucking seahorse.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We're too hungover to prance.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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