I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
