She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
