i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
