That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
