she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
