I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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