Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
