WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
