If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
