Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
