so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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