dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
