highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
