Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
