Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
