I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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