she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
