There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
