between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
