so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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