Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
