Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
