He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
