Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
