I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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