we made out on top of his cat.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize