She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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