Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
