I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
