Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
