There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
