Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
