Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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