He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
