I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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