her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
