I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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