And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I supernannyed him into submission
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
