if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
