I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
