Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
