Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
