A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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