I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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